Write and Wrong: TV on auto-pilot

This guest post comes from my longtime pal Bill Braunstein, who has been in the TV writing business for decades. I don't know how he does it, putting up with the vagaries and politics of that profession. Please welcome Bill as WFB's first guest blogger:

The Writers Guild of America has finally agreed to drop its demands for jurisdiction in the areas of reality and animation writing so that contract negotiations with the AMPTP can move forward.

Many people on both private and public bulletin boards geared to “real” writers have expressed a degree of relief and satisfaction that reality and animation have finally been removed from the bargaining table.

So, in the spirit of self-reflection, it’s time for a serious examination of not just those two offending genres but a few others as well. Let’s start with reality:

Does anyone really think that reality shows have writers? Just because these shows have a beginning, middle and end, with indelible characters created by judicious use of sound bites -- all with story arcs and intriguing act breaks -- that doesn’t mean these shows are written.

All any potential reality producer need do is turn on a camera, tape everything that happens, and -- viola! -- there’s your program. Your Aunt Zelda’s home movies from her Finland vacation are as interesting as any reality show. Who needs a storyline?

And then there’s animation. Does anyone really think cartoon shows are written? The real creative work on animated shows is done by storyboard artists. Plus, if you just hire actors with funny voices, you’re guaranteed success. Fred Flintstone growling, “Yabba-dabba-do” always sets off howls of laughter. Animation “writing”? Ha! Yabba-dabba-do isn’t even a word.

And how about game shows? No sane person could ever say quiz shows are written. Access to Google, Ask.com or old Encyclopedia Britannicas qualifies one to work on shows like “Jeopardy.” Heck, there the contestants even do half the work by supplying the questions. Nope, quiz shows don’t have writers; they’re researchers. And they don’t even need to be smarter than a fifth grader.

That brings us to variety shows. No self-respecting TV fan could reasonably argue these shows are written. Staff members simply take old press releases or copy the backs of CD covers, and there’s your TV patter. Besides, how hard is it to pen, “Ladies and gentleman, a big hand for Celine Dion”? You call that writing? It’s criminal.

Which leads, quite logically, to crime shows. ... Could any level-headed person say these shows are written. Hardly! There’s a reason they’re called procedurals. So-called writers latch onto old LAPD handbooks, all to learn police procedures. They stop by local precincts, peruse the evening’s crime logs, drop in a few character names ... and there’s your next episode of “CSI.”

The writing on law or medical dramas? Please ... These aren’t written. Ask any lawyer or doctor for his case files, cross out the names of the “perpetrator,” “victim” or “deceased,” and then sprinkle liberally with make-believe names. Add a “Fade In” at the top, a “Fade Out” at the end, and you’re watching “L.A. Law” or “ER.”

Comedy shows? Any person with his head twisted on straight knows these shows aren’t really written. They all follow the same formula: Find a great standup like a Roseanne Barr, Jerry Seinfeld, or Tim Allen. Have them do their act with great improvisational actors. Roll camera. Stop every 30 minutes. Instant sitcom. Where’s the writing?

And movies? Come on. .... Take a look at screenplay adaptations. No one can doubt the author of any book is a true writer--unlike someone who adapts said book into a screenplay. The creative heavy lifting is already done. All any potential adaptor has to do is just take away the parts of the book that isn’t the screenplay. Does it get any easier?

Lastly, there are original screenplays. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, are these people really writers? There isn’t a person on the planet that doesn’t own a dictionary. And every screenplay yet to be written is within those pages. All you have to do is just join the words together in the right order. Creating screenplays isn’t writing, it’s a logic puzzle like a giant game of sudoku.

So, there you have it.

The only sane conclusion one can come to is that no real writing takes place in Hollywood.

Or that judging what is and what is not writing, is a very subjective business.

Unless you consider the obvious: it’s all writing.

Bill Braunstein has been a Writers Guild member since 1989. Oddly enough, he’s worked in scripted television, animation and reality.